on 29-10-2009 15:20

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We really had no idea what we were in for when we stepped off the plane in Taipei - Taiwan is a virtually unknown travel destination for Australians. All we know about the place is that everything seems to be made there. Still, we'd chosen Taiwan as our first international trip because of the large and well-regarded TCMC international a cappella competition, and we were up for whatever the trip would bring.

At the airport we were greeted by our two guides Christine and Cello, who quickly became great friends, despite our incessant, excited questioning.

Oh, we feel welcome alright!

We had a day or two to adjust to the humid air (awesome for voices, average for underpants) before our first show - and we spent that time eating as much weird local food as we could find. Pig's ears made repeat appearances, including cartilege, and Christine and Cello forced us to try a dish literally called "stinky tofu." We concluded that stinky tofu was roughly like having somebody take a dump in your mouth. Ian quickly became addicted to "Pocari Sweat," a sort of isotonic sports drink, and the rest of us became very fond of Taiwan Beer. More than once, we drank the restaurants dry - and Cello, who had spent some time in Australia, was keeping up with us drink for drink.

Stinky Tofu: does what it says on the tin.

Our first gig, completely unrelated to the competition, was for ANZCHAM, a business awards group dedicated to promoting the trade relationship between Australia/New Zealand and Taiwan. It's not an official government group, because Australia's not officially allowed to recognise that Taiwan is a country separate from China. It's a weird situation.

It was a fun night, we got to meet some very distinguished new friends including the head honcho of ANZ Taiwan, and the bloke in charge of the tenuous but mutually beneficial relationship between Taiwan and China. What a job to have!

Dinner was prime Aussie beef, and then the audience got a second serving as the Suade lads took to the stage. We noticed we were getting a few extra laughs during "Bohemian Rhapsody" - and that turned out to be because our "niao niao" guitar sounds at the end roughly translate into "take a piss" in Chinese. We immediately wrote some new urination jokes into the show. Classy, us.

ANZCHAM: business awardy.

The next morning we had a brief chance to work with local a cappella band "Jigsaw" as they prepared for the domestic TCMC contest. They sang a few tunes for us, including a charming rendition of a Chinese song that Christine had arranged. We had some great laughs together and hopefully gave them a few tips to help them out in competition.

Jigsaw: adorable!

Next up was the TCMC competition. We were up against groups from Taiwan, Germany, Singapore, America, Japan, Korea, etc, etc - and the tiny peeks we got through the curtain during soundcheck told us we were up against some serious talent. Remember, there's not a whole lot of a cappella happening in Australia. We were stunned by the Americans' amazing lush chords, the Koreans' incredible beatboxing, the Japanese group's techno sound and tight choreography. All we had to throw at this contest was a hell of a lot of enthusiasm and a complete willingness to make fools of ourselves. Hell, it's got us this far.

We threw everything we had at the competition show in front of a sold-out full house of about 600 a cappella fans. We made 'em dance and insulted the size of Lozzo's manhood in "All Night Long." We made 'em laugh with "niao niao" jokes, wedgies and outrageous guitar solo antics from Roy in "Bohemian Rhapsody." And we dropped the microphones and made at least a couple of 'em cry with "And So It Goes."

And then... We waited and watched the other groups. And the minute we saw Germany's Tonalrausch, we knew it was over. This fully pro group had it all - amazing arrangements, stunning voices, creative use of loop pedals, good lookin' sheilas and a very 'now' sound. Our hearts sank even further as we watched some of the other groups - Japan's Robstar Lobster, Korea's Maytree, and America's SoundStage, among others, putting on horrifically impressive performances. We were stuffed, we'd been beaten fair and square, and we knew it.

So when it was announced that we had been placed equal second with SoundStage, behind Tonalrausch in first spot, we went absolutely BANANAS. Roy did three full laps of the stage as if he was an aeroplane, before bear-hugging each of the distinguished judges and swinging the competition's CEO around like a rag doll. He had to be restrained by a few of the judges as he jumped up and down like a maniac. The presenter said something in Chinese, then translated: "Australia is very... Passionate."

We sure bloody are!

Roy re-enacts his on-stage victory celebrations.

Tonalrausch: cheeky German bastards who beat us.

The scenes in the foyer after the competition were absolute pandemonium. Everybody wanted photos and autographs and CDs. Sensational fun. And then, the boozing began. Dear lord, did the boozing begin. We were just so stoked to place among such amazing groups. If we couldn't win the singing contest, at least the Tonalrausch girls were kind enough to award us with "Best After-Show Party." In fact, outrageous boozy parties became pretty much a nightly staple for the entire Taiwan leg of the trip.

Boozing: we boozed.

Yes, it was that kind of party.

Which made some of the mornings a bit difficult. For example, the night of the contest we were out drinking solidly until around 5am, and we had a 9am call for a TV show the next morning. So most of us were still quite drunk when we bowled up at Good TV, a Christian television station about 45 minutes' train ride from our hotel. And we were a little shocked to discover that it wasn't a post-competition interview but a fully staged recording session that we needed to sing 7 songs for. Not to mention the fact that we hadn't done some of those songs for years, and that Rob had very little voice left to work with.

We sobered up pretty quickly once the red lights went on, though, and somehow delivered what we think will be some fantastic performances - we don't know when the videos will hit YouTube but we'll post them as soon as we get them.

Five men desperately battling hangovers.

In the afternoon, as the rest of the lads and our poor guides crashed back at the hotel, Loz was off auditioning for a TV ad. He'd been spotted in a pub by a casting agent and cherry-picked for a role in a pizza commercial. The audition went well, even if it consisted largely of Loz looking into cameras, putting on his meanest, toughest face and saying "who's ya daddy" over and over - but in the end he didn't get the part. Just as well, he doesn't need any more pizza.

At the end of the night was the final competition show - one tune for Suade and the rest of the night off, which we spent in the local gay bar district because they had an all-you-can-drink deal for about 15 Aussie dollars. By the end of the night there were about 60 of us there, each making the proprietors pay for their foolish pricing decision. Epic? Yes, epic. Epically epic.

Who wants the "all you can drink" deal?

Rob and Cello: soulmates.

I think it's a Japanese thing.

TCMC: promoting international harmony.

The main competition part sorted out, it was onto a train headed for the South of the island for two gigs in Taichung and Tainan, both at universities. In Taichung, we were taken care of by some of the local Buddhists, who were also singers. We were treated to beautiful, calming tea ceremonies and traditional Urdu playing, which soothed our battered livers and bodies no end. We had to be very careful what we said around these lovely people - if we hinted that we liked or wanted something, a team would immediately be dispatched to buy it and bring it back for us.

2 cups, no girls.

Tea: drinky drinky.

Taiwanese food: legendary.

But when it came showtime, all thoughts of relaxation went out the window and we switched to full party mode. If we thought we were getting mobbed at the a cappella contest, nothing could prepare us for the crazy scenes after these shows! We're talking over an hour of photos and autographs each night. We sold all but about 40 of our entire CD stock, which was supposed to last us through Korea too, and we must have signed every damn one of them, plus a variety of vaguely 'signable' bits of paper, clothes, bags etc.

Taichung: they probably thought we were somebody else.

New stage banners: capable of performing an entire show without us.

Tainan: epic Loz back-sweat patch FAIL.

After the shows, one in a university concert hall and one on an outdoor lawn, we did our best to round up a few friendly locals and go out for a drink with them. These were some of the best nights on the trip, sitting around at various bars and trying our best to get them to understand our terrible phrasebook Chinese - all while teaching them some of the finer points of celebratory Aussie swearing. There was boozing, there was chicken, there was pool, newly learned Aussie expletives, bad dancing and the odd romantic liaison. Nights to remember, if only we could remember them!

It's amazing how far you can get when you're running on empty and sustained only by the adrenaline of great shows and friendly locals!

Tina, Cello and Jo: forced to watch Robbie dance.

We had a little time the morning after the Tainan show for some sightseeing, so we met up with Fiona, one of the locals from the previous night's party, and did a tour of the barracks from which the Taiwanese successfully repelled the... Er, the Japanese? In the year... Something? We would have remembered more, but our brains were a little fried from excessive partying. From there it was on to a quick visit to a Confucian temple, a bite to eat and a hasty car ride to the high-speed rail link back to Taipei (thanks Fiona!)

Fiona: awesome.

In Taipei, we had one final show to end this leg of the tour, which we shared with a well-drilled local choir. Afterwards, we met up with a local a cappella group called Blissing and a girl called Nancy who turned out to be a regular visitor to Australia and a sports-mad adrenaline junkie as well as an a cappella fan. It was another all-you-can-drink affair - again embarrassingly cheap, but this time, the menu pointed out you had to pay an extra fee if you vomited. Awesome!

Ian: angry.

Ian and Cello: barfing practice.

Our final day in Taiwan, our only engagement was to meet up with Blissing and sit in on a rehearsal, giving whatever tips we could. We spent most of the time working on a fantastic version of "Shackles" they had put together, which had us all dancing around the room. After that, it was on to the pub with them for a completely unexpected boozing session. Our friend Tina had also come up from Tainan to visit us for the day. Champion!

Blissing: great sounds!

At the pub, Loz horrified some American lasses with his Australian version of the Moonwalk, which consisted mainly of dropping his pants and prancing around the room. Cultural ambassadors, that's us.

We continued that smash hit game with the phrasebook probably called 'Look How Much We Suck At Chinese' and lots of laughs were had.

Christine: Taiwanese 'flu or secret ninja?

There were teary goodbyes the next morning as we farewelled the thoroughly broken Christine, who had come down with a nasty flu, and Cello, who had remarkably managed to party almost all the way through the tour with us. F*cken champion!

Goodbye to the lovely Cello: we'll see you soon in Australia!

Our overwhelming impression of Taiwan was one of incredible warmth and welcome. In such a short time, we felt we made some very close friends. We can hardly believe it was only a week and a bit! The whole country feels like a place that is in harmony with itself, a feeling of peace and beauty that shines out through the people. All of us would happily live there. The food is utterly magnificent, transport is easy, the girls are stunning, the beer is cheap and plentiful and the shorts are SHORT!

We miss the place already, and all our new friends. We hope to be back as soon as possible!

Now, onwards to Korea...